Over two months?

How the time flies. I am sick of making pity posts but here goes:

My meds are almost gone..zoloft. My therapist found out I have no insurance and I was going to take a break and now doesn't return my calls. How is that possible? I never heard of such a thing? She knows my issues and that I was falling apart when I started with her. How could she not take a freaking minute out of her precious day and reply to an email? Return a call? How does that work?

I have PTSS. Post traumatic stress syndrome. Panic disorder. Partial agoraphobia. Blah blah blah..I was molested as a child, lived in an abusive marriage for over ten years, raised by a mom who was nuts or just mean...who knows what the hell she is. And in the last two months while I am dealing with my dad dying she has decided to "reach out" and I don't want to listen. It is NOT about her. As my blog states, for this period in my life IT IS ALL ABOUT ME.

I did drugs for years to cope with the bad feelings I had and to live in a marriage made in Hell. I gained weight to solve my problems thus creating more problems.

I tried to do things to help myself. I packed up a house in one night while my ex was at work and moved my daughter and myself out. We ran. But I forgot that I was still a damaged woman. I couldn't seem to get a job. I felt like such a loser.

Then I met Bill. He is my saviour, my saint, my lover, husband, best friend. He offered comfort and love to my daughter and I. And trust me we tested him. But look back at this paragraph. Man, that is a heavy load for any person to bear. How he must get tired of me sometimes.

So I had a miracle baby...neither one of us were supposed to have kids and along came Sadie. Younger sister to Sarah, thus cementing us into a solid family unit. But then something happened and I fell apart when she was about two. I gained 75 pounds, passed out frequently, bled almost daily and had a nuts doctor that told me to quit diet coke and to exercise. After my husband took me to a new doctor I had an emergency hysterectomy to cure the mass on my uterus, put me on welbutrin and allergy meds.

I got better..to make a long story shorter: lots of bad crap happened and I fell into a hole of despair..then we lost our home, etc.

THEN my granddaughter was born. I had back surgery so I could hold her. I started therapy so I could be happier. I started exercising so I could feel better. I turned 50 and said hey, that just means I am a survivor.

I was doing so damn good. And then it fell apart again. My husband lost his job and his insurance the same damn day. WTH? I didn't even get a chance to stock up on meds. And here I am. Eating too much. Not sleeping. Falling into the black hole of my mind. My therapist dumped me convincing me that I am a loser.

I think I am a poster child for a better insurance plan for America, don't you? Today I have a doctor's appt because my physician says she can write me prescriptions for the same meds my therapist had. And I have no idea how to pay for this. Too "wealthy" for assistance. Too poor for insurance plans out there.

And you know the odd thing? My doctor says that what happened to me (losing my meds and being dumped by a therapist) is COMMON. They see it all the time. Unfortunately.

W T H?

What makes a blog?

Yes, I am thinking about other people's blogs again.

Do you have to have a giveaway to be a blog?
Do you have to have ads?

Mine is more a journal. I follow several blogs and some I
even read daily. I have a favorite: Scribbit..but I have
several others I really enjoy as well.

Sometimes I feel like a failure. Not too many followers. Not
that it matters. If I had a lot I would probably freak out and
feel pressured to give away something...the Queen Latifah CD my mom
brought me and I don't know WHAT to do with..if I open it and
don't like it (I like her as an actress) then what could I do with
it? Or one of the zillion makeup products I win and shove in a drawer?
Yeah, I thought not. :)

So I have been preoccupied with my father. He supposedly has but
a few months left and I have visited 3 times this year. The drive to
California and back is 18 hours each way but for him, I don't mind. Now
it is time for just Bill and I to go. No kids or grandkids. I am THINKING
Thanksgiving. I can't remember the last time I spent that holiday with him.
But it would mean Thanksgiving away from the kids and my granddaughter. I
have all but made up my mind to do so. If you believe his doctors then it will be
his last. I am thinking about buying a pre-made dinner like I see every year
and wonder who buys them? He has a small kitchen and this way less time cooking,
less mess, no stress.

The worst part of all this is that he tells me how he wants things: he can't
deal with any issues I might have with this. He can't be worried about my
feelings. He needs me to be strong. I get it. I do. It REALLY is all about
HIM. But I am his only child, his daughter. And I KNOW I am FIFTY but some
part of me is still his little girl. I want his respect, his approval (this
makes him annoyed) and I lean on him sometimes.

I can't type any more. It is too hard tonight. So there it is. It ISN'T always
about me. Sometimes it's about fathers.

School shopping

Okay, it's that time again. I always found it fun to buy the school supplies. There are always so many things out there and you don't have to watch your child try them on over and over again...did you ever notice how many other stressed moms there are out there in the dressing rooms?

Anyways..something happens when your kids get older. Even the school supplies are divided into "cool", "no WAY, Mom!" and "Are you SERIOUS?" I mean, they are pens, right? I get the notebook thing...the artwork is personal. But do we have to spend that much on PENS? And 100 dollar calculators?

But you do what you can and it is hard not to get excited about that first day of school. I remember the fun of wearing a new outfit, having all new supplies and seeing your friends again.

And as a mom....it's time to gear up for more activities, running around and all that "school stuff". :)

My dad is dying

One nurse said it was like he was suffocating slowly. Okay, so who the hell said YOU could be a nurse? Jackass. He finished droning on about being on oxygen and I listened until I could round a corner and bawl my eyes out.

My dad was put on oxygen a while back but the way he put it was no big deal. As soon as school was out we went down there: me, my husband and Sadie. A few days ago we took him to the ER because he couldn't get his oxygen.

He is still in the hospital but expected to be released tomorrow. I am exhausted. Am I allowed to wallow a bit? I just got in at 3:30 am from a 15 hour ride from his house and must leave tomorrow in the wee hours to get back so he is not alone his first night out.

The doctor said six months to a year. I can't get him up here with me and I can't stay down there..I am supposed to check into hospice but what the hell do I do?

I am lost.

Who died and made you God?

Sometimes I get so pissed off. Seriously.

I did fairly well in high school. Freshman year was miserable but I came out of it and had a lot of friends and fun. Got in trouble a lot, too.

BUT I grew up. Apparently not everyone does this. Some people, most notably women, still stay the same bi***y people they always were.

This amazes me. Not only are we NOT supposed to be worried/obsessed/concerned about
being popular, we are SUPPOSED to teach our kids NOT TO. Remember? How to raise your kids 101: Thou shall not inflict pain, physical or emotional, on others.

I watched my youngest daughter be ostracized by a group of horrible girls at her
old junior high because.....gasp.....she stood up for a girl. She knew she had made
a mistake even hanging around with them but she felt she had to or face recriminations. And then they turned on her anyway. We were lucky. We moved and she is starting over and things seem to be better.

Honestly how could it have been different? I raised my daughter to stand up for people who couldn't stand up for themselves. To think for herself. It's okay if she isn't wearing makeup in fifth grade and it's okay if you don't want to look 20 in 7th grade.

But apparently it wasn't. And how could they know different when their moms run in packs, ummm..I mean cliques. I tried to do cupcakes. I tried to do Campbell's Soup labels. I tried to smile at others and get to know them. And you know what? I am not kissing some middle-aged wholier-than-thou woman's butt.

It starts here. I am sorry my daughter won't be included in those parties and those events and those...no, wait, that's right. I am NOT sorry.

Women, GROW UP. You should be sisters, friends, and well, decent human beings.

K

Allergies suck

It didn't used to be like this. You have to wonder if this is a byproduct of the environmental crisis. I mean, at least consider it, right?

My husband literally carries a bag of pills around with him. We have had to pull over just so he can gag out the car door. I know, gross, but that's the point. And this year my 14-year-old daughter started. She already has the Dermatographism that I have. Her skin is as sensitive as mine and she can break out in a heartbeat. Now she has what her dad has. She missed so much school this year. And now we have her on weekly shots. I can only hope.

So today I wake up feeling like I did when I used to smoke. Like after a party or going out and smoking about a pack of smokes. Ugh. And my nose and mouth hurt. My skin hurts. So loratadine for me today. I hate to whine. Hey, I do, too! But I feel miserable today.

My mom went home yesterday

And I was freaking ELATED. I mean, ELATED!. Grinning, laughing....my 14-year-old daughter called me a freak. But in a good way. LOL We were very close during my mom's visit. It's like we close ranks around each other when she is around. She had taken the train up here Thursday and went home Monday morning...

What can I say? You know how all the shrinks want to blame Mom? Yeah, well, they got that right. She's nuts. When I was 13 my dad explained to me that she has an alternate sense of reality. I think that was an extremely nice and low-key way to explain her. She remembers things differently. She tells stories....how would you like to grow up and NEVER know what in your childhood was real? Are you REALLY allergic to bees like you were told all your life? Did you REALLY have rheumatic fever?

Oh, and that wee instant of child molestation when I was a kid....it was always so casually mentioned in our house like hey, no big deal...and then my therapist asked me if some neighborhood boy did that to YOUR daughters or granddaughter what would you think? I started crying and said, HELL YES. I WOULD THINK THAT SHE WAS HURT AND WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT.

And she was, what do I call it?, slap happy. Dear God...I had a friend and years later when I would be talking to her......and if I had a bloody nose..she would say....Kriss, you been talking to your Mom again?" and we would laugh. My ex thought we were "sick" and I told him. Jerkface (my name for him on the net) you don't get it. She was there all those years and must have seen me get smacked a hundred times....She GETS it. Humor is what gets you through the crap.

When my oldest, Sarah, was giving me a bad time one day....my mom grabbed her, took her to the bathroom and asked her to look at her ugly face? Did she want to grow around sneering like that? And I was like, MOM! Stop it..but nothing works on her. And if you call her on it...if you try to talk to her about something she has done? She freaking has NO CLUE. I always wondered if that was the mentally unstable in HER.....or just some mean ass manipulation.

My kids ask....why can't we have a nice Grandma? Um...because I didn't have a nice Mom?

My kid

Our house has gotten to be one big anger zone.

We have a 14-year-old girl/woman/monster/angel/smart/smartASS living in the house with us. My poor husband is clueless. Seriously. For one thing, MOST of the time she saves the crap for me. Yeah, I know this so well. I was a daddy's girl. One time my husband asked me something about if I couldn't just take a breath and get this, had I tried to reason with her? YA THINK? Strange but he hasn't brought that one up again.

AND we have a 24-year-old daughter who made it through to the other side. We are close...I don't know HOW close we would be if it wasn't for that memory thing. You know the memory thing...the thing that keeps you having kids because you don't REALLY remember childbirth..same with my oldest daughter and me. I have vague memories of screaming, crying, throwing things, wanting to run away. And that was just me. God knows what her end is all about. One day after the younger one said something that actually implied I was STUPID!!! my oldest said (get this) I can't believe she talks to you like that.. Uh-huh.

So this one? WORSE. I kid you not. She stood there today and told me she wasn't going to school today. AND...AND....AND.....she said NO to me. I told her to do something and she said NO. WTH? I must be hallucinating, right? My mom would have smacked me so hard that I would have hit the wall and slithered to the ground in a lump.

That is probably the problem. Mom DID hit me and I can't hit my kids, including spanking. I WILL NOT BE MY MOM I WILL NOT BE MY MOM.

But does thinking about it count? Remember what they said about Jimmy Carter and his lusting after oh, who remembers who? Just that he THOUGHT about it and was the freaking president. I looked at her and I swear I was shaking...

Now don't go calling children's services or anything. We are fine. She went to school and she came home IN A GOOD MOOD and now things are just great.

Still......there is tomorrow morning...who will come out of that bedroom? It's a mystery to us all.....

ABC sucks....well, most networkds do.....but ABC more :)

I think TV is definitely at an end as I knew it. Shows are cancelled before they have a chance to even take off. Which is not to say I want to go back to where we had years and years and years of Laverne and Shirley or something.....(no offense to the fans) but at least FREAKING FINISH THE SHOW. Give us an ending. Case in point, Pushing Daisies.....the episodes are filmed. Let's see them. And Invasion? What happened?

And now? What is with this crap of stopping and starting shows.....what happened to watching every week with baited breath to see what was happening next? Um, we love that you watch our show but will you mind if we uh, take a 5 week hiatus and then start again. How many times now do I turn to my husband, or vice versa, and say, what happened to so and so? Or what was it they did before? BECAUSE I FORGOT. Yes, I lost track.

I like the fall season that ends in May. I even liked having garbage on all summer so I didn't WANT to watch TV in the summer...

I feel like someone with the attention span of a toddler is running the networks.

And don't even get me started on reality TV. What next? Kindergarten classroom? Life working at Blockbuster? Or maybe they can do one on me? SAHM with partial agoraphobia/PTSD?

Therapy or allergy treatments for my daughter?

Simply put.......another one of those choices you make as a parent. You give up things having kids. Most of us do. Not so many fancy restaurants or nights alone.

I was sure we were in a position for me to start therapy and spend the bucks needed. I was sure I could handle the guilt required to spend the money. Sure, we are insured. But still 40 bucks a session.

But my daughter got to the point where breathing was an issue. And these shots are 40 dollars a week. So there is no question. Even if the title of my post makes it seem like there was a question.

I will miss my therapist...we were getting places. You are allowed to be sad about these things without being a bad mom, right?

What is a blogger?

I confess. I started this account because you get extra entries for some blog contests. Cool enough. And I use it for two things.....contests and the occasional ramble. And most of them are out there......talking about the shit in my life most of which is messed up right now.
But lately there has been this talk online. And it reminds me of the working mom/SAHM thing I have heard for years. She works and doesn't take care of her kids/she stays home because she is lazy/stupid, etc. NOT my opinions by the way....just cheap ass generalizations.

Now it is bloggers/sweepers. YES, not ALL but enough. Bloggers, I hear tell, are making disparaging remarks about some sweepers..probably the ones that annoy me, too. Don't listen to rules, try to cheat, etc etc. Sweepers are making fun of some blog contests....they want the big stuff. And some have legitimate complaints about being treated poorly by bloggers.

I sweep. I enter hundreds of contests a day. If I am lucky I get enough to keep my teenage daughter happy, surprise my granddaughter, help out my other daughter, etc. Because of me my husband and daughter have ipods AND docking stations. From contests.

My granddaughter has Pedipeds and Boon stuff.....from blogs.

I think it is pretty cool. I like sweeping and do it 7 days a week. Sometimes I am exhausted, even sick, but I do it. Persistence, patience, diligence.
Leftover time for facebook, very little blogging, and FNF.

My family supports me fully, why wouldn't they? A few years ago when my husband was out of work for over half the year I won 25 grand. Yes, I cried. Yes we got out of debt. Sometimes it is great like that sometimes not. And while I am happy enough doing what I do I don't necessarily advertise it to the 'real' world. It is a bit hard to explain to some moms.

Again I am drawn to the phrase why can't we all just get along? Sweep, blog, whatever..and btw, I have "met" some freaking amazing people by reading their blogs. And a couple that I thought ??? what did I do to you? You know what? It is just like the 'real' world. Good people/bad people. Nice people/rude people.

I try to be good, nice and yes, a lot of the times a bit on the odd side.

!!500!! dollar gift card to Pearl Girl Tags

Have you been to Pearl Girl Tags? OMG. The jewelry is amazing. I can't even begin to tell you which piece is my favorite. http://www.pearlgirltags.com/

Momdot.com is hosting a giveaway for a gift card worth $500! My links are not working in my post today but here is the url: http://www.momdot.com/500-gift-card-to-pearl-girl-tags



Her rules are simple:

To enter:

Tell us about the most special time you have ever had with the most special person in your life (think Valentines Day, love stuff here). We recognize that everyone is not always married, so it can be your significant other, best friend, or parent.

To gain additional entries this month:

* If you blog about this, we will give you 5 additional entries. Please make sure to link Pearl Girl Tags and this contest.
* We will give you 1 entry for every twitter you do throughout the month
* If you complete all three entries above you may enter unlimited amount of times as long as the subject stays on Pearl Girl Tags jewelry.

Contest ends Feb 28th

I lost yesterday

Yep. It disappeared.

In other words I slept most of the day. This is a repercussion from insomnia. I will go days and days with little sleep..2 to 4 hours here or there and then boom! I have a day like yesterday where sheer exhaustion sets in and I sleep.

So today? Yeah, up since 4 a.m. just wired and ready to go. LOL

There has to be an easier way to do this. But I know this has been my life since I was 11.

So if anyone out there can tell me about yesterday? I would appreciate it. World peace? Solve the global warming crisis?

I just know that something will happen when I am asleep....

Keens and a giveaway at simple

I love Keens. Seriously. I got my first pair a couple of years ago and didn't wear any other shoes for months. This can be serious stuff, folks. I live in the Northwest. And I don't do the sandals/socks thing...some of you may know what I am sayin'.

I have problems finding comfortable shoes so finding these was a dream come true. So I bought another pair....but this is only after my kids said, "Mom...um....you need some new shoes". LOL

Then my husband had to get a pair. Now you also have to realize that our normal expenditure for a pair of sandals is around 20 bucks. Yeah. And Keens are anything but that. But once you have a pair and you realize how you can wear them everywhere and they last forever......well, you get it.

And now! They have boots and the Calistoga which is my new quest...and tons of designs and colors and you have to get some. Seriously. Or hey, win a pair. There's a concept.

Go here NOW

http://simple-reviews.blogspot.com/2009/01/keen-footwear.html

WOW! Win a Guitar Hero: World Tour Guitar Bundle for Xbox 360!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing contest for bloggers only and ways to get extra entries, too! Now I don't know about you but MY husband would think I was the coolest person EVER if I won this. And don't even ask about my teenage daughter!!!!!!! So here is YOUR chance. You can't win if you don't enter!

http://www.aordinarylife.com/2009/01/ordinary-dad-gives-back-win-guitar-hero.html

OVER: Wednesday, January 28, 2009