tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17499719471514501952024-03-13T21:41:05.187-07:00It IS all about memiriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-68621606263881654492013-06-20T15:20:00.001-07:002013-06-20T15:20:52.202-07:00I want to know..I want to know how to affect positive changes in my life.
I want to know how to rid myself of this anger I am filled with.
I want to know how to develop patience.
I want to know how to be more tolerant.
I want to know how to get out of my shell.
I want to know how to get off my ass and move.
I need energy.
I need my foot healed.
I need happiness in my life.
I need my grandchildren.
I have love.
I have wisdom (of a sort)..
I have humor.
I have life.
I miss my dad.
I miss me. miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-60048536230452303202012-05-16T00:09:00.001-07:002012-05-16T00:09:40.539-07:00I miss you DadI should post more. I am thinking about a giveaway. But I am "scared" of new things and seem to have lost any attention span I once had.
I am obsessed with my weight. I had lost 30 pounds last summer, visited my dad...he was complicated to say the least and left his house with a weight gain of 5 pounds. Somehow his opinion mattered so much, his praise was so important that not getting a pat on the back over my weight loss caused me to spiral out of control. Today I realized I have gained TWENTY pounds back and have to start all over. Dear God, what a loser. How many years have I been doing this? 40?
My father died at Christmas..on the 27th. My youngest,17, and I drove to California because he was in the hospital having set his face on fire. Yes, his face. He had "friends" who gave him a birthday cake on his birthday 12/15 and LIT fucking candles. Did I mention he was on oxygen suffering from COPD? But he ended up on the phone with me a couple of days later and had to call Lifeline. I sat on the phone in WA while my father gasped for air and I heard paramedics come in...his nasal passages were so crusty from the fire..he was taken to the hospital. Sadie and I discussed his condition and chose to drive to spend Christmas with him. This was huge for us as my husband, my other daughter and grandchildren were so concerned but couldn't go. I saw my dad in the hospital and wanted to cry.
I could have carried him in my arms he was so thin. His face was scabbed and his beard blackened. I was SO pissed at his friends. SO angry. We left him there and went out to the ranch where he as a caretaker and warmed up the house, tried to get comfortable and I cried and cried.
Now let me tell you about Sadie. We fight a LOT. We are both smartasses and yes, we are funny. Trust me on this one. We rub each other the wrong way one minute and are close as can be the next. She was my lifeline that December. She answered phones while I dealt with people on the other phone. She kept my mind occupied and my heart from breaking...well, completely breaking. I taught her cribbage on our brief trips back to Dad's house ..something I had threatened..um, promised to do for years. Without her down there I would have never accomplished so much.
Then there was the day I had to put him in a home. He could not come back from the hospital. God I still don't forgive myself for this. I just don't. He had to spend Christmas in a home and he died there two days later. I remember the call in the early wee hours of the morning. It was dark and I was sleeping in Dad's recliner. I didn't want to answer. And I yelled at them. No. No. No. He isn't dead. I was just there. I just delivered a new TV to him and he was fine. God DAMN it. You are lying to me. Yeah....I am not so good at the bad news stuff.
I'm an only child and I never imagined how hard this would be. Bill flew down to help. We had a few days until the 1st and to clear his house out. It was so fast. There was no time. It was crazy. I was stunned by how many mementoes he had from the kids and I. I always knew how much he loved me. He would tell me I was the most important person in the world to him. He would tell me he loved me more than anyone else EVER. No pressure there, eh?
Clearing out a house, selling some possessions, donating tons more. Dealing with calls and posting to people on Facebook were so incredibly painful. Being on the phone with his best friend since high school...Dad was 76...and listening to that man cry as I took his best friend from him...so heartbreaking.
It's been months now...I drive his van with his hat on the dash. I use his letter opener for my mail. His TV is in my bedroom. His wallet is in my purse. I lost my dad at Christmas and somewhere I lost a large chunk of me. I miss you Dad and will love you forever. Your daughter, Krissmiriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-33210759508522084112012-02-07T03:33:00.000-08:002012-02-07T03:33:49.847-08:00BloglovinTrying to figure something out...so this is like an episode of Seinfeld. A post about nothing. <a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3460424/it-is-all-about-me?claim=wj6v2z7zdjb">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-40488818825477643602011-10-14T04:22:00.000-07:002011-10-14T04:22:19.229-07:00Sweeping, blogging and lifeSo I haven't written since last December? Seriously? This from a woman who "writes" in her head every day. Maybe it's because I have 20 some followers and no one would miss me anyways. LOL <br />
<br />
Maybe it's because I do my writing and soul-baring on FB..a kind of in-your-face if you don't like me when I write this then who cares..kind of posting..that Kriss dares you to like the real me. Even though the real me isn't as harsh as I can seem. Just that pushing away testing thing. <br />
<br />
I like to write but lately it seems if I really let myself go it is so down..so depressing that I don't want to read it myself. Apparently I am a very unhappy person. Go figure.<br />
<br />
Every day is a struggle. A struggle with my weight, with my opinion of myself and a struggle to not look at the big picture. You know the big picture..the one that you are supposed to look at? That what will you be doing, where will you be in ten years picture? Yeah, um..no.<br />
<br />
I can take each day as it comes. I have a husband who hates his job. He is sick every day, pukes with his allergies every day and carries a bag of pills almost the size of a small purse. Almost? There I go again..burying my head in the sand. It IS the size of a small purse. My dad likes to warn me that I will very likely outlive Bill, that I should do something to prepare for this. Like get a job.<br />
<br />
My daughter, 16, gets shots every month. At least it's down from 2 a week. When she gets sick she misses at least a week of school. And I worry about her grades all the time. I didn't worry about her older sister's grades like this. I just don't want her to struggle like us. To not know where the next rent check will come from..to watch a man make such little money for so much work. Or to depend on a man for an income. Ugh. <br />
<br />
There lies the PTSD diagnosis of mine..the partial agoraphobia. Partial? What does that mean? That my upper body is agoraphobic but the lower half of me isn't? Or is it the left vs. right side? Hmmm...Not that I can see my therapist anymore. No health insurance. <br />
<br />
And having no health insurance cost me over a thousand dollars in August. Poison oak on the face..eyes swollen. An emergency visit to the hospital, two clinic visits, medications both OTC and prescription. <br />
<br />
So I sweep several hours a day. And I win a lot. I wish I won more cash..or that it was the way Bill and I originally figured it out. He would work and pay the bills and I would provide the extras which I have: the cruise to Alaska, the French restaurant dinner for 2, big screen TV, washer/dryer...yeah, I know I even won 25 grand several years ago. THAT was a lifesaver because we were on the verge of losing the house, in credit card debt to our eyeballs. So I saved us then and we still ended up losing the house a few years later...I should have walked away then and had a "nest egg". Yup. Hindsight.<br />
<br />
So today I face the internet and will try to win some cash..win some movies and other things for presents..but somewhere there is a woman who just wants to write..the great American novel, a mystery..or even a poem. Like I used to. Back then.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-8289805947060727512010-12-10T08:24:00.000-08:002010-12-10T08:24:02.760-08:00The unemployed and their familiesMy husband has been out of work for a year. More than a year. It's strange how it starts out. He comes home early and tells you he is laid off. Not a complete surprise as they have laying people off for a couple of months. He was lucky to be one of the last and you are proud of him for that.<br />
<br />
The company had never laid anyone off and had a record for once you are there you are a lifer. At first it's okay. He gets unemployment and when you don't have to pay out gas and all other things you are doing okay. And the company says things like "Hang on, we will get some contracts straightened out. We will be back on our feet." So you don't bust your butt looking for a job. You like your job and that job "security". <br />
<br />
Then you hit the six month mark. Hmm...this is serious. Now with Bill you have to understand something. He had been working with some friends doing some side jobs. They hoped to have a company up and running. They consulted for other small businesses and did all kinds of jobs: designing, welding, building, etc. So this was Bill's time. The time to have unemployment while devoting yourself to a future dream. BUT guess what? Those same small businesses begin to fold. You watch all these people that you hoped to work for go out of business. And a certain fear and dread settle in.<br />
<br />
My husband is 50. It isn't easy. It's damn tough. He has been a welder all his life. And his allergies have hit the roof. He coughs up crap, actually pukes...yeah, it's gross..but it matters. All of this makes for some scary job searching.<br />
<br />
Now for the family. I am TRYING to be supportive. I hear some awful things come out of my mouth lately. {hanging head in shame} Is he really trying? Come on. There has to be a job somewhere. He is still putting a lot of time with his friends trying to get things going, looking for work and doing a lot of things around here. I think I see him less than when he had a job. <br />
<br />
The stress in our house is high. Take this: "You KNOW your dad isn't working. We have to watch our money." This is in reply to a zillion scenarios involving our daughter. Really, Kriss? You think she has somehow managed to FORGET this? I don't think so. <br />
<br />
This is besides all the scares with unemployment that you see on the news. Do I want the country to go further in debt? Hell, no. But I don't want to pay for stupid and unnecessary wars..or bailing out Haiti. <br />
<br />
I want my husband to have a job. All I want for Christmas...miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-88970958020688296392010-09-19T01:22:00.000-07:002010-09-19T01:22:20.557-07:00It has been how long?I know I don't have a lot of followers but still...shouldn't I feel guilty not keeping my blog running? <br />
<br />
The thing is that I started it for contests. Occasionally I would get personal and I even got feedback. Yay! But only two friends know about it. Why? I don't know. <br />
<br />
The reason I am back is that I have been blasting my personal life out there for my FB friends and family and well, let's just say we are not all on the same page. And I don't think I need to use my FB page to shove my views in their face. Any more. Well, not as much. <br />
<br />
Bill and I watched "A Single Man" tonight. It was one of those things I do. Watch a movie, run over and put in all the movies from the previews into my library requests. Later on I sometimes look at the movie and think, "What the hell were you thinking?"<br />
<br />
I don't choose enough movies like this one. I had read it was a great movie. I heard Colin Firth was stunning. Yes, that is a word I would use for his performance.<br />
<br />
But I don't see my friends or family rushing out to rent it. Various reasons. Not funny. Not action packed. Not educating. Just a movie about a man in the early 60's dealing with the death of his lover. A man, by the way. So right away I am thinking it will be classified as a gay movie. Sigh..<br />
<br />
Not so. Colin is a man who is in mourning, a deeply sad man. And this is a day in his life with flashbacks of his relationship. And it is moving. Julianne Moore is made for her role. Have you ever noticed how she can be so damn beautiful or really plain? But that she shines in whatever she does? <br />
<br />
So my FB post would have been one thing that disturbs myself about watching the movie. I am still not totally comfortable with men kissing. Shoot me for my honesty. I believe in marriage for gays. I don't have a problem with the idea at all. I would just have to believe that having been raised in a small town, redneck as well, has somehow contributed to this. <br />
<br />
That out and posted for the world to see, I would recommend this movie as one to watch. Just sit back and let it play before you. The visuals are incredible. The whole feel of the movie is wonderful.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-40533090359645176592010-01-25T04:46:00.000-08:002010-01-25T04:46:12.712-08:00The new neighborsGuess how I met them? If you can call peeking out the spy hole actually meeting them. :) Well, I got woke up at 12:45 A.M. by people carrying a mattress upstairs. Okay, I am thinking maybe they just found one...were sleeping on the floor and we should all feel sorry for them. They will go into the bedroom, throw the mattress down and fall asleep exhausted.<br />
<br />
Uh, no. An hour and a half goes by with constant walking (I suspect they wear army boots) and scraping. Yes, at 2 a.m. they are moving furniture. <br />
<br />
My husband isn't home. Just my 14-year-old daughter, our dog and I. I think about doing something and then have visions of a meth head up there. He will shoot us all and that will be that. I call my husband.<br />
<br />
He is working on building a business with some other guys and they are pulling an all-nighter to get a project ready for a presentation. I call him. He tells me he will come home immediately (an hr drive) and then go back to work.<br />
<br />
Now I am feeling stupid. What happened to that young woman who lived alone? Before she moved in with anyone, before 1st marriage to THE JERK, before marriage to my Prince Charming. <br />
<br />
So I do what any woman would do. I reach for a weapon.<br />
<br />
Yes, a weapon.<br />
<br />
The broom. I go into the dining area where above me they are playing hockey or something. And I tap 3 quick times. EVERYTHING stopped. <br />
<br />
So maybe they are not meth heads. Maybe they won't kill me. And no, my husband does NOT need to come protect me. As long as I have my broom.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-62678709046098659902010-01-21T20:07:00.000-08:002010-01-21T22:52:52.550-08:00Lack of sleepI have been fighting insomnia since I was eleven years old. <br />
<br />
Lately I have been reading more and more about the side effects of <br />
not sleeping well. Fatigue, weight problems, aching muscles,<br />
memory lapses, and much more.<br />
<br />
I suffer from many of those things. And I have one of the worst mattresses<br />
ever. I posted before about this. These posts are to share not only my<br />
sleep issues but to also try to solve them...by winning a new mattress!<br />
It's the Sealy Posturepedic Innerspring Signature 11 Series innerspring<br />
mattress! You can check out their mattresses here: http://www.sealy.com/<br />
<br />
This mattress is available in : Twin, Full, Queen, Split Queen, King and CalKing.<br />
<br />
Check out this information: <br />
<br />
Distributes body weight away from the heavier parts of the body, relieving pressure from where it’s concentrated. Has a 7-zone pressure relief inlay with memory foam near your head and back of knees, and latex near your hips! <br />
<br />
I actually bought a new mattress not that long ago. I went cheap. Sigh...When<br />
will I learn? Some things are worth more money. Mattresses are one of those<br />
items. So check out the contest here: http://www.bizziemommy.com/new-year-new-mattress-giveaway.html and maybe you can win! <br />
<br />
I also have a button to the left to get to BizzieMommy.com's website where the <br />
contest is.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-6277619364070872732010-01-14T22:05:00.000-08:002010-01-14T22:11:29.769-08:00What would you choose?So you have limited time left..and there are movies to watch...books to read...the computer...what do you do?<br /><br />I had suggested my dad get a new computer. He doesn't have that much time left and why fight with an old piece of shit? Excuse my language but no one reads this anyways. <br /><br />He said he got cinemax because it was 2.99 for life. and then wondered what he was doing...he would end up watching movies he didn't care for when there were more books and magazines than he would ever have time to read.<br /><br />Not enough time...not enough time...<br /><br />I can't tell you how it breaks my heart when he says things like that. And what am I supposed to say to that?miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-56377840320742131012010-01-13T08:33:00.000-08:002010-01-13T08:39:45.088-08:00Free movie or was it?I won free movie passes to see The Lovely Bones. So there we were heading up to Seattle, no small feat, and it was pouring..Bill and I looked at each other..<br /><br />WTH are we doing? Seriously. Free? Gas to Seattle? An hour drive? Lousy weather..traffic.<br /><br />And it occurred to me. It isn't worth it. So we decide to have movie night. Wednesday nights 7 to 9. No getting up multiple times, blah blah blah...<br /><br />And we test it out after we turn back from Seattle. WHAT A FREAKING DISASTER!<br /><br />We arrive home and our teenage daughter is NOT happy to see us. Now there's a surprise. LOL So there is her attitude.<br /><br />Then I notice the dishes we left, the carpet needs vacuuming..Bill goes to throw some snacks together. An hour later we are about ready. And we chose Reservation Road. We had this on our shelf for a YEAR and hadn't found the time to watch it.<br /><br />It was a great movie..but this whole movie night needs to be reevaluated. Like next wk clean up before the movie, have snacks ready on time, etc.<br /><br />And yes, I missed the whole getting to see the movie before it is in a theater, seeing a movie that looks good but we would not pay to see..like Lovely Bones..<br /><br />I think we will do the Seattle thing sometimes...just to get out. BUT only when the weather is nice. :)miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-6723024339530315822010-01-04T07:09:00.000-08:002010-01-04T07:19:36.322-08:00Winning a Sealy PosturepedicAKA Dream a Little Dream for me<br /><br />You know what's sad? I'll tell you what's sad. My mattress is only about two years old. Hey, don't cheer yet. It sucks. I know, how is this possible? I was cheap. And stupid. And clueless. <br /><br />So here I am with this mattress and SOOOOOOOOOOOOO unhappy with it. It creaks. You KNOW...you don't want a creaking mattress. Your kids don't want you to have one. The neighbors don't want you to have one. Your...well, you get the drift.<br /><br />It sags. One day my butt is going to hit the floor. Seriously. And my butt is dragging enough as it is.<br /><br />It is uncomfortable. Hence the tangle of bedding I have to sort through every morning when I make the bed. Toss? Turn? Hey, I wrote the book. Ask my husband. <br /><br />So here I am trying to blog about a contest. Let's be honest here. This is going to be quite a process. I don't know how to link. Add banners to my page? I am working on it. But for this it is worth it. <br /><br />Sealy Posturepedic Innerspring Signature 11 Series. Doesn't that just SOUND like the kind of mattress you want? MommyMandy is giving one away. Isn't that cool? <br /><br />ONE winner will win any size of the new Sealy Posturepedic Innerspring Signature 11 Series. This includes Twin, Full, Queen and King; except for CalKing. Winner will also be able to pick the model in firm, cushion firm, plush and ultra plush.<br /><br />http://mommymandy.com/sealy-posturepedic-signature-series-giveaway/<br /><br />http://www.sealy.com/miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-82243372605012432802009-12-31T04:04:00.000-08:002009-12-31T04:23:12.831-08:00Over two months?How the time flies. I am sick of making pity posts but here goes:<br /><br />My meds are almost gone..zoloft. My therapist found out I have no insurance and I was going to take a break and now doesn't return my calls. How is that possible? I never heard of such a thing? She knows my issues and that I was falling apart when I started with her. How could she not take a freaking minute out of her precious day and reply to an email? Return a call? How does that work?<br /><br />I have PTSS. Post traumatic stress syndrome. Panic disorder. Partial agoraphobia. Blah blah blah..I was molested as a child, lived in an abusive marriage for over ten years, raised by a mom who was nuts or just mean...who knows what the hell she is. And in the last two months while I am dealing with my dad dying she has decided to "reach out" and I don't want to listen. It is NOT about her. As my blog states, for this period in my life IT IS ALL ABOUT ME. <br /><br />I did drugs for years to cope with the bad feelings I had and to live in a marriage made in Hell. I gained weight to solve my problems thus creating more problems. <br /><br />I tried to do things to help myself. I packed up a house in one night while my ex was at work and moved my daughter and myself out. We ran. But I forgot that I was still a damaged woman. I couldn't seem to get a job. I felt like such a loser.<br /><br />Then I met Bill. He is my saviour, my saint, my lover, husband, best friend. He offered comfort and love to my daughter and I. And trust me we tested him. But look back at this paragraph. Man, that is a heavy load for any person to bear. How he must get tired of me sometimes. <br /><br />So I had a miracle baby...neither one of us were supposed to have kids and along came Sadie. Younger sister to Sarah, thus cementing us into a solid family unit. But then something happened and I fell apart when she was about two. I gained 75 pounds, passed out frequently, bled almost daily and had a nuts doctor that told me to quit diet coke and to exercise. After my husband took me to a new doctor I had an emergency hysterectomy to cure the mass on my uterus, put me on welbutrin and allergy meds. <br /><br />I got better..to make a long story shorter: lots of bad crap happened and I fell into a hole of despair..then we lost our home, etc. <br /><br />THEN my granddaughter was born. I had back surgery so I could hold her. I started therapy so I could be happier. I started exercising so I could feel better. I turned 50 and said hey, that just means I am a survivor. <br /><br />I was doing so damn good. And then it fell apart again. My husband lost his job and his insurance the same damn day. WTH? I didn't even get a chance to stock up on meds. And here I am. Eating too much. Not sleeping. Falling into the black hole of my mind. My therapist dumped me convincing me that I am a loser. <br /><br />I think I am a poster child for a better insurance plan for America, don't you? Today I have a doctor's appt because my physician says she can write me prescriptions for the same meds my therapist had. And I have no idea how to pay for this. Too "wealthy" for assistance. Too poor for insurance plans out there. <br /><br />And you know the odd thing? My doctor says that what happened to me (losing my meds and being dumped by a therapist) is COMMON. They see it all the time. Unfortunately.<br /><br />W T H?miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-57864688115426825132009-10-24T21:59:00.000-07:002009-10-24T22:14:37.801-07:00What makes a blog?Yes, I am thinking about other people's blogs again.<br /><br />Do you have to have a giveaway to be a blog?<br /> Do you have to have ads?<br /><br />Mine is more a journal. I follow several blogs and some I <br />even read daily. I have a favorite: Scribbit..but I have <br />several others I really enjoy as well.<br /><br />Sometimes I feel like a failure. Not too many followers. Not<br />that it matters. If I had a lot I would probably freak out and<br />feel pressured to give away something...the Queen Latifah CD my mom<br />brought me and I don't know WHAT to do with..if I open it and<br />don't like it (I like her as an actress) then what could I do with<br />it? Or one of the zillion makeup products I win and shove in a drawer?<br />Yeah, I thought not. :)<br /><br />So I have been preoccupied with my father. He supposedly has but <br />a few months left and I have visited 3 times this year. The drive to <br />California and back is 18 hours each way but for him, I don't mind. Now<br />it is time for just Bill and I to go. No kids or grandkids. I am THINKING<br />Thanksgiving. I can't remember the last time I spent that holiday with him.<br />But it would mean Thanksgiving away from the kids and my granddaughter. I <br />have all but made up my mind to do so. If you believe his doctors then it will be <br />his last. I am thinking about buying a pre-made dinner like I see every year<br />and wonder who buys them? He has a small kitchen and this way less time cooking, <br />less mess, no stress. <br /><br />The worst part of all this is that he tells me how he wants things: he can't <br />deal with any issues I might have with this. He can't be worried about my<br />feelings. He needs me to be strong. I get it. I do. It REALLY is all about<br />HIM. But I am his only child, his daughter. And I KNOW I am FIFTY but some<br />part of me is still his little girl. I want his respect, his approval (this <br />makes him annoyed) and I lean on him sometimes. <br /><br />I can't type any more. It is too hard tonight. So there it is. It ISN'T always<br />about me. Sometimes it's about fathers.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-83525557525263942502009-07-26T04:47:00.001-07:002009-07-26T04:57:54.986-07:00School shoppingOkay, it's that time again. I always found it fun to buy the school supplies. There are always so many things out there and you don't have to watch your child try them on over and over again...did you ever notice how many other stressed moms there are out there in the dressing rooms? <br /><br />Anyways..something happens when your kids get older. Even the school supplies are divided into "cool", "no WAY, Mom!" and "Are you SERIOUS?" I mean, they are pens, right? I get the notebook thing...the artwork is personal. But do we have to spend that much on PENS? And 100 dollar calculators? <br /><br />But you do what you can and it is hard not to get excited about that first day of school. I remember the fun of wearing a new outfit, having all new supplies and seeing your friends again.<br /><br />And as a mom....it's time to gear up for more activities, running around and all that "school stuff". :)miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-28715070421685325442009-06-30T16:53:00.000-07:002009-06-30T16:59:01.188-07:00My dad is dyingOne nurse said it was like he was suffocating slowly. Okay, so who the hell said YOU could be a nurse? Jackass. He finished droning on about being on oxygen and I listened until I could round a corner and bawl my eyes out. <br /><br />My dad was put on oxygen a while back but the way he put it was no big deal. As soon as school was out we went down there: me, my husband and Sadie. A few days ago we took him to the ER because he couldn't get his oxygen. <br /><br />He is still in the hospital but expected to be released tomorrow. I am exhausted. Am I allowed to wallow a bit? I just got in at 3:30 am from a 15 hour ride from his house and must leave tomorrow in the wee hours to get back so he is not alone his first night out.<br /><br />The doctor said six months to a year. I can't get him up here with me and I can't stay down there..I am supposed to check into hospice but what the hell do I do?<br /><br />I am lost.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-29817921343306935702009-05-14T08:25:00.000-07:002009-05-14T08:36:26.689-07:00Who died and made you God?Sometimes I get so pissed off. Seriously.<br /><br />I did fairly well in high school. Freshman year was miserable but I came out of it and had a lot of friends and fun. Got in trouble a lot, too.<br /><br />BUT I grew up. Apparently not everyone does this. Some people, most notably women, still stay the same bi***y people they always were.<br /><br />This amazes me. Not only are we NOT supposed to be worried/obsessed/concerned about <br />being popular, we are SUPPOSED to teach our kids NOT TO. Remember? How to raise your kids 101: Thou shall not inflict pain, physical or emotional, on others.<br /><br />I watched my youngest daughter be ostracized by a group of horrible girls at her <br />old junior high because.....gasp.....she stood up for a girl. She knew she had made <br />a mistake even hanging around with them but she felt she had to or face recriminations. And then they turned on her anyway. We were lucky. We moved and she is starting over and things seem to be better.<br /><br />Honestly how could it have been different? I raised my daughter to stand up for people who couldn't stand up for themselves. To think for herself. It's okay if she isn't wearing makeup in fifth grade and it's okay if you don't want to look 20 in 7th grade.<br /><br />But apparently it wasn't. And how could they know different when their moms run in packs, ummm..I mean cliques. I tried to do cupcakes. I tried to do Campbell's Soup labels. I tried to smile at others and get to know them. And you know what? I am not kissing some middle-aged wholier-than-thou woman's butt. <br /><br />It starts here. I am sorry my daughter won't be included in those parties and those events and those...no, wait, that's right. I am NOT sorry. <br /><br />Women, GROW UP. You should be sisters, friends, and well, decent human beings.<br /><br />Kmiriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-21763558826370396622009-05-02T18:32:00.000-07:002009-05-02T18:38:07.870-07:00Allergies suckIt didn't used to be like this. You have to wonder if this is a byproduct of the environmental crisis. I mean, at least consider it, right? <br /><br />My husband literally carries a bag of pills around with him. We have had to pull over just so he can gag out the car door. I know, gross, but that's the point. And this year my 14-year-old daughter started. She already has the Dermatographism that I have. Her skin is as sensitive as mine and she can break out in a heartbeat. Now she has what her dad has. She missed so much school this year. And now we have her on weekly shots. I can only hope.<br /><br />So today I wake up feeling like I did when I used to smoke. Like after a party or going out and smoking about a pack of smokes. Ugh. And my nose and mouth hurt. My skin hurts. So loratadine for me today. I hate to whine. Hey, I do, too! But I feel miserable today.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-53674373711446578572009-03-31T00:40:00.000-07:002009-03-31T00:53:42.606-07:00My mom went home yesterdayAnd I was freaking ELATED. I mean, ELATED!. Grinning, laughing....my 14-year-old daughter called me a freak. But in a good way. LOL We were very close during my mom's visit. It's like we close ranks around each other when she is around. She had taken the train up here Thursday and went home Monday morning...<br /><br />What can I say? You know how all the shrinks want to blame Mom? Yeah, well, they got that right. She's nuts. When I was 13 my dad explained to me that she has an alternate sense of reality. I think that was an extremely nice and low-key way to explain her. She remembers things differently. She tells stories....how would you like to grow up and NEVER know what in your childhood was real? Are you REALLY allergic to bees like you were told all your life? Did you REALLY have rheumatic fever? <br /><br />Oh, and that wee instant of child molestation when I was a kid....it was always so casually mentioned in our house like hey, no big deal...and then my therapist asked me if some neighborhood boy did that to YOUR daughters or granddaughter what would you think? I started crying and said, HELL YES. I WOULD THINK THAT SHE WAS HURT AND WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT.<br /><br />And she was, what do I call it?, slap happy. Dear God...I had a friend and years later when I would be talking to her......and if I had a bloody nose..she would say....Kriss, you been talking to your Mom again?" and we would laugh. My ex thought we were "sick" and I told him. Jerkface (my name for him on the net) you don't get it. She was there all those years and must have seen me get smacked a hundred times....She GETS it. Humor is what gets you through the crap.<br /><br />When my oldest, Sarah, was giving me a bad time one day....my mom grabbed her, took her to the bathroom and asked her to look at her ugly face? Did she want to grow around sneering like that? And I was like, MOM! Stop it..but nothing works on her. And if you call her on it...if you try to talk to her about something she has done? She freaking has NO CLUE. I always wondered if that was the mentally unstable in HER.....or just some mean ass manipulation. <br /><br />My kids ask....why can't we have a nice Grandma? Um...because I didn't have a nice Mom?miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-20765647909668083842009-03-23T22:17:00.000-07:002009-03-23T22:30:44.169-07:00My kidOur house has gotten to be one big anger zone.<br /><br />We have a 14-year-old girl/woman/monster/angel/smart/smartASS living in the house with us. My poor husband is clueless. Seriously. For one thing, MOST of the time she saves the crap for me. Yeah, I know this so well. I was a daddy's girl. One time my husband asked me something about if I couldn't just take a breath and get this, had I tried to reason with her? YA THINK? Strange but he hasn't brought that one up again. <br /><br />AND we have a 24-year-old daughter who made it through to the other side. We are close...I don't know HOW close we would be if it wasn't for that memory thing. You know the memory thing...the thing that keeps you having kids because you don't REALLY remember childbirth..same with my oldest daughter and me. I have vague memories of screaming, crying, throwing things, wanting to run away. And that was just me. God knows what her end is all about. One day after the younger one said something that actually implied I was STUPID!!! my oldest said (get this) I can't believe she talks to you like that.. Uh-huh.<br /><br />So this one? WORSE. I kid you not. She stood there today and told me she wasn't going to school today. AND...AND....AND.....she said NO to me. I told her to do something and she said NO. WTH? I must be hallucinating, right? My mom would have smacked me so hard that I would have hit the wall and slithered to the ground in a lump. <br /><br />That is probably the problem. Mom DID hit me and I can't hit my kids, including spanking. I WILL NOT BE MY MOM I WILL NOT BE MY MOM.<br /><br />But does thinking about it count? Remember what they said about Jimmy Carter and his lusting after oh, who remembers who? Just that he THOUGHT about it and was the freaking president. I looked at her and I swear I was shaking...<br /><br />Now don't go calling children's services or anything. We are fine. She went to school and she came home IN A GOOD MOOD and now things are just great.<br /><br />Still......there is tomorrow morning...who will come out of that bedroom? It's a mystery to us all.....miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-36747663117666634612009-03-14T21:56:00.000-07:002009-03-14T22:04:25.837-07:00ABC sucks....well, most networkds do.....but ABC more :)I think TV is definitely at an end as I knew it. Shows are cancelled before they have a chance to even take off. Which is not to say I want to go back to where we had years and years and years of Laverne and Shirley or something.....(no offense to the fans) but at least FREAKING FINISH THE SHOW. Give us an ending. Case in point, Pushing Daisies.....the episodes are filmed. Let's see them. And Invasion? What happened? <br /><br />And now? What is with this crap of stopping and starting shows.....what happened to watching every week with baited breath to see what was happening next? Um, we love that you watch our show but will you mind if we uh, take a 5 week hiatus and then start again. How many times now do I turn to my husband, or vice versa, and say, what happened to so and so? Or what was it they did before? BECAUSE I FORGOT. Yes, I lost track.<br /><br />I like the fall season that ends in May. I even liked having garbage on all summer so I didn't WANT to watch TV in the summer...<br /><br />I feel like someone with the attention span of a toddler is running the networks.<br /><br />And don't even get me started on reality TV. What next? Kindergarten classroom? Life working at Blockbuster? Or maybe they can do one on me? SAHM with partial agoraphobia/PTSD?miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-24133758240981742922009-03-09T20:52:00.000-07:002009-03-09T20:56:14.586-07:00Therapy or allergy treatments for my daughter?Simply put.......another one of those choices you make as a parent. You give up things having kids. Most of us do. Not so many fancy restaurants or nights alone.<br /><br />I was sure we were in a position for me to start therapy and spend the bucks needed. I was sure I could handle the guilt required to spend the money. Sure, we are insured. But still 40 bucks a session. <br /><br />But my daughter got to the point where breathing was an issue. And these shots are 40 dollars a week. So there is no question. Even if the title of my post makes it seem like there was a question.<br /><br />I will miss my therapist...we were getting places. You are allowed to be sad about these things without being a bad mom, right?miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-31810666374600407882009-03-07T10:42:00.001-08:002009-03-07T10:53:25.440-08:00What is a blogger?I confess. I started this account because you get extra entries for some blog contests. Cool enough. And I use it for two things.....contests and the occasional ramble. And most of them are out there......talking about the shit in my life most of which is messed up right now.<br />But lately there has been this talk online. And it reminds me of the working mom/SAHM thing I have heard for years. She works and doesn't take care of her kids/she stays home because she is lazy/stupid, etc. NOT my opinions by the way....just cheap ass generalizations.<br /><br />Now it is bloggers/sweepers. YES, not ALL but enough. Bloggers, I hear tell, are making disparaging remarks about some sweepers..probably the ones that annoy me, too. Don't listen to rules, try to cheat, etc etc. Sweepers are making fun of some blog contests....they want the big stuff. And some have legitimate complaints about being treated poorly by bloggers.<br /><br />I sweep. I enter hundreds of contests a day. If I am lucky I get enough to keep my teenage daughter happy, surprise my granddaughter, help out my other daughter, etc. Because of me my husband and daughter have ipods AND docking stations. From contests.<br /><br />My granddaughter has Pedipeds and Boon stuff.....from blogs. <br /><br />I think it is pretty cool. I like sweeping and do it 7 days a week. Sometimes I am exhausted, even sick, but I do it. Persistence, patience, diligence. <br />Leftover time for facebook, very little blogging, and FNF. <br /><br />My family supports me fully, why wouldn't they? A few years ago when my husband was out of work for over half the year I won 25 grand. Yes, I cried. Yes we got out of debt. Sometimes it is great like that sometimes not. And while I am happy enough doing what I do I don't necessarily advertise it to the 'real' world. It is a bit hard to explain to some moms.<br /><br />Again I am drawn to the phrase why can't we all just get along? Sweep, blog, whatever..and btw, I have "met" some freaking amazing people by reading their blogs. And a couple that I thought ??? what did I do to you? You know what? It is just like the 'real' world. Good people/bad people. Nice people/rude people.<br /><br />I try to be good, nice and yes, a lot of the times a bit on the odd side.miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-17803908485251168172009-02-04T07:39:00.000-08:002009-02-04T09:56:32.507-08:00!!500!! dollar gift card to Pearl Girl TagsHave you been to Pearl Girl Tags? OMG. The jewelry is amazing. I can't even begin to tell you which piece is my favorite. http://www.pearlgirltags.com/ <br /><br />Momdot.com is hosting a giveaway for a gift card worth $500! My links are not working in my post today but here is the url: http://www.momdot.com/500-gift-card-to-pearl-girl-tags<br /><br /> <br /><br />Her rules are simple:<br /><br />To enter:<br /><br />Tell us about the most special time you have ever had with the most special person in your life (think Valentines Day, love stuff here). We recognize that everyone is not always married, so it can be your significant other, best friend, or parent.<br /><br />To gain additional entries this month:<br /><br /> * If you blog about this, we will give you 5 additional entries. Please make sure to link Pearl Girl Tags and this contest.<br /> * We will give you 1 entry for every twitter you do throughout the month<br /> * If you complete all three entries above you may enter unlimited amount of times as long as the subject stays on Pearl Girl Tags jewelry.<br /><br />Contest ends Feb 28th<br /><br /><a href="http://www.momdot.com/500-gift-card-to-pearl-girl-tags/"></a>miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-38566051668126305212009-02-01T06:53:00.001-08:002009-02-01T06:56:53.539-08:00I lost yesterdayYep. It disappeared.<br /><br />In other words I slept most of the day. This is a repercussion from insomnia. I will go days and days with little sleep..2 to 4 hours here or there and then boom! I have a day like yesterday where sheer exhaustion sets in and I sleep. <br /><br />So today? Yeah, up since 4 a.m. just wired and ready to go. LOL<br /><br />There has to be an easier way to do this. But I know this has been my life since I was 11.<br /><br />So if anyone out there can tell me about yesterday? I would appreciate it. World peace? Solve the global warming crisis? <br /><br />I just know that something will happen when I am asleep....miriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1749971947151450195.post-62662807345577921282009-01-19T01:07:00.000-08:002009-01-19T01:24:20.674-08:00Keens and a giveaway at simpleI love Keens. Seriously. I got my first pair a couple of years ago and didn't wear any other shoes for months. This can be serious stuff, folks. I live in the Northwest. And I don't do the sandals/socks thing...some of you may know what I am sayin'.<br /><br />I have problems finding comfortable shoes so finding these was a dream come true. So I bought another pair....but this is only after my kids said, "Mom...um....you need some new shoes". LOL<br /><br />Then my husband had to get a pair. Now you also have to realize that our normal expenditure for a pair of sandals is around 20 bucks. Yeah. And Keens are anything but that. But once you have a pair and you realize how you can wear them everywhere and they last forever......well, you get it.<br /><br />And now! They have boots and the Calistoga which is my new quest...and tons of designs and colors and you have to get some. Seriously. Or hey, win a pair. There's a concept.<br /><br />Go here NOW<br /><br />http://simple-reviews.blogspot.com/2009/01/keen-footwear.htmlmiriamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04319153566114723749noreply@blogger.com1