Thursday, June 20, 2013

I want to know..

I want to know how to affect positive changes in my life. I want to know how to rid myself of this anger I am filled with. I want to know how to develop patience. I want to know how to be more tolerant. I want to know how to get out of my shell. I want to know how to get off my ass and move. I need energy. I need my foot healed. I need happiness in my life. I need my grandchildren. I have love. I have wisdom (of a sort).. I have humor. I have life. I miss my dad. I miss me.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I miss you Dad

I should post more. I am thinking about a giveaway. But I am "scared" of new things and seem to have lost any attention span I once had. I am obsessed with my weight. I had lost 30 pounds last summer, visited my dad...he was complicated to say the least and left his house with a weight gain of 5 pounds. Somehow his opinion mattered so much, his praise was so important that not getting a pat on the back over my weight loss caused me to spiral out of control. Today I realized I have gained TWENTY pounds back and have to start all over. Dear God, what a loser. How many years have I been doing this? 40? My father died at Christmas..on the 27th. My youngest,17, and I drove to California because he was in the hospital having set his face on fire. Yes, his face. He had "friends" who gave him a birthday cake on his birthday 12/15 and LIT fucking candles. Did I mention he was on oxygen suffering from COPD? But he ended up on the phone with me a couple of days later and had to call Lifeline. I sat on the phone in WA while my father gasped for air and I heard paramedics come in...his nasal passages were so crusty from the fire..he was taken to the hospital. Sadie and I discussed his condition and chose to drive to spend Christmas with him. This was huge for us as my husband, my other daughter and grandchildren were so concerned but couldn't go. I saw my dad in the hospital and wanted to cry. I could have carried him in my arms he was so thin. His face was scabbed and his beard blackened. I was SO pissed at his friends. SO angry. We left him there and went out to the ranch where he as a caretaker and warmed up the house, tried to get comfortable and I cried and cried. Now let me tell you about Sadie. We fight a LOT. We are both smartasses and yes, we are funny. Trust me on this one. We rub each other the wrong way one minute and are close as can be the next. She was my lifeline that December. She answered phones while I dealt with people on the other phone. She kept my mind occupied and my heart from breaking...well, completely breaking. I taught her cribbage on our brief trips back to Dad's house ..something I had, promised to do for years. Without her down there I would have never accomplished so much. Then there was the day I had to put him in a home. He could not come back from the hospital. God I still don't forgive myself for this. I just don't. He had to spend Christmas in a home and he died there two days later. I remember the call in the early wee hours of the morning. It was dark and I was sleeping in Dad's recliner. I didn't want to answer. And I yelled at them. No. No. No. He isn't dead. I was just there. I just delivered a new TV to him and he was fine. God DAMN it. You are lying to me. Yeah....I am not so good at the bad news stuff. I'm an only child and I never imagined how hard this would be. Bill flew down to help. We had a few days until the 1st and to clear his house out. It was so fast. There was no time. It was crazy. I was stunned by how many mementoes he had from the kids and I. I always knew how much he loved me. He would tell me I was the most important person in the world to him. He would tell me he loved me more than anyone else EVER. No pressure there, eh? Clearing out a house, selling some possessions, donating tons more. Dealing with calls and posting to people on Facebook were so incredibly painful. Being on the phone with his best friend since high school...Dad was 76...and listening to that man cry as I took his best friend from heartbreaking. It's been months now...I drive his van with his hat on the dash. I use his letter opener for my mail. His TV is in my bedroom. His wallet is in my purse. I lost my dad at Christmas and somewhere I lost a large chunk of me. I miss you Dad and will love you forever. Your daughter, Kriss