Thursday, December 31, 2009

Over two months?

How the time flies. I am sick of making pity posts but here goes:

My meds are almost gone..zoloft. My therapist found out I have no insurance and I was going to take a break and now doesn't return my calls. How is that possible? I never heard of such a thing? She knows my issues and that I was falling apart when I started with her. How could she not take a freaking minute out of her precious day and reply to an email? Return a call? How does that work?

I have PTSS. Post traumatic stress syndrome. Panic disorder. Partial agoraphobia. Blah blah blah..I was molested as a child, lived in an abusive marriage for over ten years, raised by a mom who was nuts or just mean...who knows what the hell she is. And in the last two months while I am dealing with my dad dying she has decided to "reach out" and I don't want to listen. It is NOT about her. As my blog states, for this period in my life IT IS ALL ABOUT ME.

I did drugs for years to cope with the bad feelings I had and to live in a marriage made in Hell. I gained weight to solve my problems thus creating more problems.

I tried to do things to help myself. I packed up a house in one night while my ex was at work and moved my daughter and myself out. We ran. But I forgot that I was still a damaged woman. I couldn't seem to get a job. I felt like such a loser.

Then I met Bill. He is my saviour, my saint, my lover, husband, best friend. He offered comfort and love to my daughter and I. And trust me we tested him. But look back at this paragraph. Man, that is a heavy load for any person to bear. How he must get tired of me sometimes.

So I had a miracle baby...neither one of us were supposed to have kids and along came Sadie. Younger sister to Sarah, thus cementing us into a solid family unit. But then something happened and I fell apart when she was about two. I gained 75 pounds, passed out frequently, bled almost daily and had a nuts doctor that told me to quit diet coke and to exercise. After my husband took me to a new doctor I had an emergency hysterectomy to cure the mass on my uterus, put me on welbutrin and allergy meds.

I got make a long story shorter: lots of bad crap happened and I fell into a hole of despair..then we lost our home, etc.

THEN my granddaughter was born. I had back surgery so I could hold her. I started therapy so I could be happier. I started exercising so I could feel better. I turned 50 and said hey, that just means I am a survivor.

I was doing so damn good. And then it fell apart again. My husband lost his job and his insurance the same damn day. WTH? I didn't even get a chance to stock up on meds. And here I am. Eating too much. Not sleeping. Falling into the black hole of my mind. My therapist dumped me convincing me that I am a loser.

I think I am a poster child for a better insurance plan for America, don't you? Today I have a doctor's appt because my physician says she can write me prescriptions for the same meds my therapist had. And I have no idea how to pay for this. Too "wealthy" for assistance. Too poor for insurance plans out there.

And you know the odd thing? My doctor says that what happened to me (losing my meds and being dumped by a therapist) is COMMON. They see it all the time. Unfortunately.

W T H?