Friday, October 14, 2011

Sweeping, blogging and life

So I haven't written since last December? Seriously? This from a woman who "writes" in her head every day. Maybe it's because I have 20 some followers and no one would miss me anyways. LOL

Maybe it's because I do my writing and soul-baring on FB..a kind of in-your-face if you don't like me when I write this then who cares..kind of posting..that Kriss dares you to like the real me. Even though the real me isn't as harsh as I can seem. Just that pushing away testing thing.

I like to write but lately it seems if I really let myself go it is so depressing that I don't want to read it myself. Apparently I am a very unhappy person. Go figure.

Every day is a struggle. A struggle with my weight, with my opinion of myself and a struggle to not look at the big picture. You know the big picture..the one that you are supposed to look at? That what will you be doing, where will you be in ten years picture? Yeah,

I can take each day as it comes. I have a husband who hates his job. He is sick every day, pukes with his allergies every day and carries a bag of pills almost the size of a small purse. Almost? There I go again..burying my head in the sand. It IS the size of a small purse. My dad likes to warn me that I will very likely outlive Bill, that I should do something to prepare for this. Like get a job.

My daughter, 16, gets shots every month. At least it's down from 2 a week. When she gets sick she misses at least a week of school. And I worry about her grades all the time. I didn't worry about her older sister's grades like this. I just don't want her to struggle like us. To not know where the next rent check will come watch a man make such little money for so much work. Or to depend on a man for an income. Ugh.

There lies the PTSD diagnosis of mine..the partial agoraphobia. Partial? What does that mean? That my upper body is agoraphobic but the lower half of me isn't? Or is it the left vs. right side? Hmmm...Not that I can see my therapist anymore. No health insurance.

And having no health insurance cost me over a thousand dollars in August. Poison oak on the face..eyes swollen. An emergency visit to the hospital, two clinic visits, medications both OTC and prescription.

So I sweep several hours a day. And I win a lot. I wish I won more cash..or that it was the way Bill and I originally figured it out. He would work and pay the bills and I would provide the extras which I have: the cruise to Alaska, the French restaurant dinner for 2, big screen TV, washer/dryer...yeah, I know I even won 25 grand several years ago. THAT was a lifesaver because we were on the verge of losing the house, in credit card debt to our eyeballs. So I saved us then and we still ended up losing the house a few years later...I should have walked away then and had a "nest egg". Yup. Hindsight.

So today I face the internet and will try to win some some movies and other things for presents..but somewhere there is a woman who just wants to write..the great American novel, a mystery..or even a poem. Like I used to. Back then.